I wish I could write more, but I have such a boring life.
- Current Mood: apathetic
- Current Music:Burst Generator - Chemical Brothers
Today was pretty miserable too. Me & my parents went to a restaurant in Tibbermore, and being the anniversary of my brother's death, my mum wasn't really her normal happy self. This evening, my mum served the cake, but I wasn't allowed candles. I was angry & hurt, and I just had to go along with it all.
No card, no present and not even a text off my own brother! I was pissed off with him too.
- Current Mood: angry
- Current Music:I Want to Break Free - Queen
It's 8 minutes past midnight!
I really hate that my birthday is on 2nd May, because it's the day before the anniversary of my brother's death. I hate that every birthday I've ever had, has been a miserable one. I don't blame my mum for being extremely down, because it must be fucking heartbreaking losing your son. I feel resentful, but I have to be mature about it and accept that my birthday just happened to be the day before Ashley died. It's bad enough there's that storyline in Corrie about Maria losing her baby. It must be twice as hard to keep strong. I know mum feels guilty about my birthdays not being great, but there's nothing anyone can do to change that.
I want change, I want to get a job and feel independent. I don't want to live off my mum & dad forever. I want to be able to feel confident and happy about getting a job. It's fucking stupid, but I do feel I suffer from some kind of anxiety disorder. I hate that things have come to a standstill, and I'm doing the same thing everyday. I hate that I have nothing good going on in my life. I hate that I worry too much about my dog, Harry. I hate that I get up at 12-1PM, after going to sleep at 1-3AM. Why do I keep having fucking stupid dreams about school, mainly to do with the girl that bullied me, when I just want to move on from that. I don't want a constant reminder every night, and then be dwelling on it the next day. I want to explore and travel the world. Be doing something that I love by the time I'm 25.
I have dreams, but I just don't know what to do about them.
- Current Mood: depressed
- Current Music:Learning to Fly - Pink Floyd
Anyway, it's my 17th next week. xD In the day I'm gonna go and see a film at the pictures, on my own - which I'm fine about, and prefer. My parents are working, but me and mum are going out for a meal to Paco's after she's finished work. Then on the Saturday, we'll all go out. I'm not expecting much, as it's the anniversary of my brother's death. And I understand.
- Current Mood: tired
- Current Music:Better Than You - Metallica
I was late taking my friend's dog out yesterday, and now she doesn't trust me. Fucking hell, one time! I was an hour late. She kept telling me I must be up for 9:30AM, for Katy's first walk, when she goes on holiday. I'm gonna have to ask her if she still wants me to walk Katy, because obviously she doesn't trust me. But, thing is, she's booked all her holidays now, and I don't want her to have to cancel them. She had manic depression and schizoaffective disorder for many years, and has been in and out of hospital. I think she was pyschotic at one point, too. My parents keep telling me she's worried because of her past mental illnesses, and they're probably right. I feel for her, I really do, but I'm regretting agreeing to look after Katy. I care a lot for Katy, but it's clear I can't even take responsibility for a bloody dog.
Kill me now, just kill me.
- Current Mood: drained
- Current Music:Good Vibrations - The Beach Boys
Harry looked like he wanted to go for a walk, so I took him out. I met a few fellow dog walking friends, and all of a sudden, I was quiet and acting shy. I have no clue why, because the two who were there, are good friends. God knows what they thought. I wasn't in a mood with them or anything. I didn't even get their jokes. I was acting so strangely. Lol, even I don't know what's wrong.
My friend is giving away her bike, so I'm going to take it. XD I need exercise, because all I see in the mirror is fat. Or maybe I should just watch what I'm eating? No. Food is too good. :P
- Current Mood: weird
- Current Music:Nothing Left - As I Lay Dying
I feel stuck.
I can't get a job.
"Oh, no, but you can get a job, your just not trying."
I want people to understand, but I know they can't, if I don't make them understand. I can't find the right words.
I don't feel ready.
But nobody can understand that, because on the outside, I look fine.
I'd do anything to be happy and have a good job, earning good money.
But I can't quite get there. And turn that fucking corner.
I have so much more to say.
All this is probably making no sense whatsoever.
- Current Mood: depressed
- Current Music:Wrath Upon Ourselves - As I Lay Dying
What exciting things happened to me today? Well, I got to watch Pie in the Sky, which is about some fat guy who owns a restaurant, and, is a detective. Riveting. It was that or Murder, She Wrote.
People have a hard time understanding that I'm only 16. This bloke I just met actually thought I lived on my own, in one of these expensive flats with no job. It was quite funny really, because I said "My mum and dad bought it." Making it sound like mummy and daddy had bought me my own flat.
Oh my, God, my life is so interesting, is it not?
- Current Mood: bored
- Current Music:My Girl - Madness
Since he's gone, Mum's been in a right pissy mood and she's bringing me down with her. It seems I can't do anything right, without a row. She's doing my bloody head in. Even going to my room, to get away from her was wrong.
- Current Mood: depressed
- Current Music:Death From Above - Bloodsimple
He hasn't even asked how I am, and most of the time, ignores what I'm saying. Like, I suggested something to mum, and seconds later, he said the same thing. Well, he and mum are going shopping tomorrow, so it'll just be me, dad & Harold.
It's nearly 2 AM. And thank you Jack for getting me up, just as I was falling asleep. But seriously, thank you for cheering me up. :) *cuddle*
- Current Mood: hungry
- Current Music:Misery Business - Paramore