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 I went to see the psychologist today, and it went very well. They suggested I go to a place in Edinburgh sometime, it's not a mental institute or anything, just a somewhere for people with mental health problems to go to for a break. There's nothing wrong with me really, I just suffer with trauma and moderate depression and I lack confidence, I learnt today. It feels more than that, but they're the professionals I guess. I really hope they help me.

I wish I could write more, but I have such a boring life.

Best birthday EVER!

 My birthday turned out to be pretty shit. I fell out with dad, which left me feeling angry. I lost my cool a few times, and I never do. But the meal later on in Paco's was nice. After that, I went to a friend's, and he cheered me up a bit. By the time I got back, Mandy wanted me to come round, and by 10 we didn't have time for the cake. Earlier that day Harry rolled in some bird shit, so I had to give him a bath last thing at night.

Today was pretty miserable too. Me & my parents went to a restaurant in Tibbermore, and being the anniversary of my brother's death, my mum wasn't really her normal happy self. This evening, my mum served the cake, but I wasn't allowed candles. I was angry & hurt, and I just had to go along with it all.

No card, no present and not even a text off my own brother! I was pissed off with him too.

Happy 17th Birthday, Me!

It's 8 minutes past midnight!

I really hate that my birthday is on 2nd May, because it's the day before the anniversary of my brother's death. I hate that every birthday I've ever had, has been a miserable one. I don't blame my mum for being extremely down, because it must be fucking heartbreaking losing your son. I feel resentful, but I have to be mature about it and accept that my birthday just happened to be the day before Ashley died. It's bad enough there's that storyline in Corrie about Maria losing her baby. It must be twice as hard to keep strong. I know mum feels guilty about my birthdays not being great, but there's nothing anyone can do to change that.

I want change, I want to get a job and feel independent. I don't want to live off my mum & dad forever. I want to be able to feel confident and happy about getting a job. It's fucking stupid, but I do feel I suffer from some kind of anxiety disorder. I hate that things have come to a standstill, and I'm doing the same thing everyday. I hate that I have nothing good going on in my life. I hate that I worry too much about my dog, Harry. I hate that I get up at 12-1PM, after going to sleep at 1-3AM. Why do I keep having fucking stupid dreams about school, mainly to do with the girl that bullied me, when I just want to move on from that. I don't want a constant reminder every night, and then be dwelling on it the next day. I want to explore and travel the world. Be doing something that I love by the time I'm 25. 

I have dreams, but I just don't know what to do about them.
 

Yay

I've decided I'm not depressed. Besides, I have nothing to be depressed about! I'm just dead paranoid. I'll let the 'child' pyschologist decide what's what.

Anyway, it's my 17th next week. xD In the day I'm gonna go and see a film at the pictures, on my own - which I'm fine about, and prefer. My parents are working, but me and mum are going out for a meal to Paco's after she's finished work. Then on the Saturday, we'll all go out. I'm not expecting much, as it's the anniversary of my brother's death. And I understand.

Arghhhhh

 I had ANOTHER asthma attack this afternoon. I didn't go to hospital thankfully, the inhaler eventually worked. I over-did it on the bike.

I was late taking my friend's dog out yesterday, and now she doesn't trust me. Fucking hell, one time! I was an hour late. She kept telling me I must be up for 9:30AM, for Katy's first walk, when she goes on holiday. I'm gonna have to ask her if she still wants me to walk Katy, because obviously she doesn't trust me. But, thing is, she's booked all her holidays now, and I don't want her to have to cancel them. She had manic depression and schizoaffective disorder for many years, and has been in and out of hospital. I think she was pyschotic at one point, too. My parents keep telling me she's worried because of her past mental illnesses, and they're probably right. I feel for her, I really do, but I'm regretting agreeing to look after Katy. I care a lot for Katy, but it's clear I can't even take responsibility for a bloody dog.

Kill me now, just kill me.

I met the devil and I sold my soul

 I waited until 6:30AM to go to sleep this morning. I didn't want my mind to wander, so I decided to stay up until I was physically tired. Surprisingly, I arise at 12:30PM. I took Harold out, and to my shock, I cleaned my room! I was in a weird happy mood. I decided to make the most of it, and take myself out to get a refund on my webcam. After 2 hours, I came back home. I actually enjoyed myself, by myself. XD

Harry looked like he wanted to go for a walk, so I took him out. I met a few fellow dog walking friends, and all of a sudden, I was quiet and acting shy. I have no clue why, because the two who were there, are good friends. God knows what they thought. I wasn't in a mood with them or anything. I didn't even get their jokes. I was acting so strangely. Lol, even I don't know what's wrong.

My friend is giving away her bike, so I'm going to take it. XD I need exercise, because all I see in the mirror is fat. Or maybe I should just watch what I'm eating? No. Food is too good. :P

Buh-bye.

Meh.

 I had a terrible night. It took me nearly 4 hours to get to sleep. All these thoughts were going round in my head, mostly dark, but some good. I had this one weird thought, where I was convinced I could count the hairs on my head. I was wide awake. I decided to write all my thoughts down in a notebook, but I ended up stabbing a hole through it with my pen.

I feel stuck. 

I can't get a job.

"Oh, no, but you can get a job, your just not trying."

I want people to understand, but I know they can't, if I don't make them understand. I can't find the right words.

I don't feel ready.

But nobody can understand that, because on the outside, I look fine.

I'd do anything to be happy and have a good job, earning good money. 

But I can't quite get there. And turn that fucking corner.

I have so much more to say.

All this is probably making no sense whatsoever.

Life of Heather

Tomorrow should be fun. I'll be taking a urine sample for my friend's dog. I really don't want to.

What exciting things happened to me today? Well, I got to watch Pie in the Sky, which is about some fat guy who owns a restaurant, and, is a detective. Riveting. It was that or Murder, She Wrote.

People have a hard time understanding that I'm only 16. This bloke I just met actually thought I lived on my own, in one of these expensive flats with no job. It was quite funny really, because I said "My mum and dad bought it." Making it sound like mummy and daddy had bought me my own flat.

Oh my, God, my life is so interesting, is it not?

*SCREAMS*

 Scott decided on Saturday, that his band was more important than his family, so left for Leamington Spa on Sunday for a meeting about his beloved band. I don't mind, though, I was glad to see him go.

Since he's gone, Mum's been in a right pissy mood and she's bringing me down with her. It seems I can't do anything right, without a row. She's doing my bloody head in. Even going to my room, to get away from her was wrong.

THERE'S AN IDIOT IN MY HOUSE

 My wonderful brother has finally arrived! And oh my God, he's an even bigger idiot than before. I hope to God, he doesn't decide to leave the West Midlands to live up here. I'd kill myself, without a doubt. He says he's not happy with girlfriend Rachel, and has considered packing his bags and relocating here.

He hasn't even asked how I am, and most of the time, ignores what I'm saying. Like, I suggested something to mum, and seconds later, he said the same thing. Well, he and mum are going shopping tomorrow, so it'll just be me, dad & Harold.

It's nearly 2 AM. And thank you Jack for getting me up, just as I was falling asleep. But seriously, thank you for cheering me up. :) *cuddle*