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Happy 17th Birthday, Me!

It's 8 minutes past midnight!

I really hate that my birthday is on 2nd May, because it's the day before the anniversary of my brother's death. I hate that every birthday I've ever had, has been a miserable one. I don't blame my mum for being extremely down, because it must be fucking heartbreaking losing your son. I feel resentful, but I have to be mature about it and accept that my birthday just happened to be the day before Ashley died. It's bad enough there's that storyline in Corrie about Maria losing her baby. It must be twice as hard to keep strong. I know mum feels guilty about my birthdays not being great, but there's nothing anyone can do to change that.

I want change, I want to get a job and feel independent. I don't want to live off my mum & dad forever. I want to be able to feel confident and happy about getting a job. It's fucking stupid, but I do feel I suffer from some kind of anxiety disorder. I hate that things have come to a standstill, and I'm doing the same thing everyday. I hate that I have nothing good going on in my life. I hate that I worry too much about my dog, Harry. I hate that I get up at 12-1PM, after going to sleep at 1-3AM. Why do I keep having fucking stupid dreams about school, mainly to do with the girl that bullied me, when I just want to move on from that. I don't want a constant reminder every night, and then be dwelling on it the next day. I want to explore and travel the world. Be doing something that I love by the time I'm 25. 

I have dreams, but I just don't know what to do about them.