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Mar. 19th, 2008

Ever got that feeling that people are looking at you? Even wearing a woolly hat in Spring, which I feel that I can hide under, still, I feel conscious of people and their staring eyes. >_< My dad didn't help saying he noticed I'd put on some weight - which I'm fully aware and conscious of! Mum said I hadn't, but I have been eating far too much recently, I comfort eat so I can't help it. I've tried healthy eating or starving - but after a bit I see something nice and I just have to eat it. I used to be a UK size 8/10, now I'm a 12. :(

I bought a webcam today, and of course it won't work. I'll probably take it back tomorrow.


Oh, my God. When is my life going to change? I'm so sick of waking up at 12:30PM, taking the dog out, watching daytime telly all afternoon, and then going out to meet my mum from work, watching more tv in the evening and then coming on the internet before going to bed at 2AM.

I keep waiting for something good to come along. I know I've got to get off my arse and do something, except waiting, but I just don't have the energy or patience. I recently decided I want to be a Veterinary Nurse, but then I saw you need 5 Standard Grades, Highers and then go into uni, or whatever. I'd see about doing my Standard Grades from home, but I'm too bloody stupid. I can't even get a job at a drug store.

I just have no meaning to my life. Why am I here?? What's the point of my existance?! Why was I born? Who actually gives a shit?


Boredom post


I had an okay day, today. I saw my counsellor and that went well. Last session next week. I'll be sad to say goodbye, because she's been a great help to me. So that's it, until I go and see a Child Psychologist in May. A Child Psychologist... well, I can go and if I don't feel they'll be able to help, I don't have to go back again. Simple as.

I met my friend Laura in the park, where we met Michael. I like him, but he's a bit of an idiot. He said someone took a shot at him with an air rifle, but they missed, and that's why there were police hanging around the park. I sometimes wonder if he makes these things up, because I'm so gullible. He enjoys mocking me, lol. He decided to get on at me for my smoking, because he quiet a month ago. I laughed it off. It's funny, but I don't know him at all well to be mocked. He was also saying I don't know what stress is - what the fuck does he know?? I'm the only one who can stand him really, for some strange reason, lol. Laura was getting a bit agitated. 

I can't wait for summer... I hate these miserable days.

Is there any hope?

I wanted a day to myself today. But I just ended up hating it - being with myself, in my head. I would've watched tv, but we just have the crap primetime channels. Atleast with cable, I could find something good and be engrossed in it.

I need a job. Trouble is, I'm too stupid to be employed. I met my tutor, though, yesterday and she gave me the number to someone I can talk to about doing my Standard Grades (Scottish GCSE's). I won't have to go to college - I can do it all from home. If I don't pass these, I will definatly kill myself.

I added a bunch of new icons - go look! Not that anybody reads this. :P

It's just me

I'm starting to question my existance on this planet. Why am I here? I'm useful for nothing. It's pathetic.

I ask myself, is my dog bad-tempered because of me? Am I really incapable of 'bringing up' a dog? Am I that scewed up I can't even do that? I love my dog to bits, but Westies are supposed to be friendly, and mine certainly isn't.

I can't even have a proper conversation with someone, without sounding like a total prat. I probably sound stupid in this.

It's pathetic. I'm pathetic.

I feel as if I'm in a dark room, with no door. No matter how much I look for the door, I just can't find it. Will I ever find that open door?

I want to screeeam!


Stupid man

My brother, Scott, was supposed to visit today - all the way from Leamington Spa, but when he was on his way, a lorry came up from behind him and nearly hit him. He was pretty shaken up, and phoned mum and she told him it would be best to go back home. I knew he wouldn't come up... he left way too late. Stupid idiot. He went for a piss-up with his mates last night, and he'd be way over the limit if he left in the morning.

I hate Mother's Day. My mum always thinks I'm not doing enough. I was going to get flowers, but dad decided to instead.

Gutted Stephen's dead in Primeval. :(

I wish I'd watched Ashes to Ashes. I watched the first episode, but missed the second because I had to take the dog out, lol.

God, what a boring life I lead.

Being hospital is AWESOME!... NOT.

It turns out I do have a chest infection, and I know this because I had an asthma attack on Wednesday night. I was taken to A&E, and I had to stay in for two nights. I hated it... I felt terribly homesick and I genuinely dislike hospitals, anyway.

Ha, my dad thought I was just being wimpy... I went to meet him after a class he goes to, and I felt really breathless, my chest was extremely tight and I literally couldn't walk. Anyway, I told him my symptons when I finally caught up to him - and he said "you'll have to make an appointment with your GP". I was already distressed and so I started crying, and that worked because he could see I wasn't just being pathetic. He took me to A&E, where I had a nebulizer - which was a fucking life saver. My peak flow was at 150 - which is very low, so they thought it'd be a good idea to keep me over night, which I hated. An 88-year-old lady in the next bed to me, was throwing up and I couldn't sleep. I had an oxygen mask on, and a needle sticking out of my arm - which was uncomfortable. The next day, I was hoping I'd be able to go home, but the doctor said my peak flow was still extremely low - so I'd have to stay another night. My mum came to see me at 3PM, and my dad finally turned up at 6:30PM. I cried when they left at 8. I wanted to sleep at 10, but a lady's relatives were there until 11:30PM. I really wanted to tell them to fuck off, but obviously, I couldn't. They didn't turn the lights out until 12:30AM, too. Luckily, I slept through until 8AM, when they were serving breakfast. My peak flow had gone up to 350, which was good, but ideally it should be in the late 400s or 500s. I had a long wait for the asthma expert or whatever, and when she finally decided to turn up at 11:45am, she said they had prescribed the wrong inhalers, and that it'd be after 2 before I got them. I was really on edge at that point, and I was desperate to go home. My mum turned up at 1, and so we waited for an hour and a half, until FINALLY the inhalers turned up and I was able to leave! 

I feel okay right now, and I'm taking it easy. I was put on 8 steroids and 3 anti-biotics a day!

The experience has given me a whole new look on life, I know it wasn't really a near-death experience - but still. I know what I mean.

Sorry to go on! Doubt anyone will read this, though.


 WHY WON'T THIS STUPID COUGH GO?? It's so annoying. I keep waking up at night, choking my guts up. I constantly have to have my inhaler by my side because I keep losing my breath - even when I'm sitting down. I've been shaking non-stop for a week, too. I think I'm gonna have to go to the doctor. I know what they'll say though - "it's because you smoke"... I'm hoping it's just a cold, and it'll go away. My dad made it worse by saying "you're going to have a massive ashma attack someday, soon."

I dog-sat for my friend today, which I enjoyed because she has cable! I watched Kerrang! for 2 hours, and then The Simple Life on E4. Don't Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie have brains? Christ, they got on my nerves - it's laughable though.

Cannot wait for the last episode of Primeval on Saturday! I don't want it to end though...

A day in the life of Heather

I woke up at 1:30 in the afternoon. My dog made me take him out at 2AM... that's why. XP

I had an okay day... went up Craigie Hill for a walk, watched Trial & Retribution, You've Been Framed, Harry Hill's TV Burp, and then Primeval (I've fallen even more in love with Connor. He's so cute.♥), took the dog out, then watched Life on Mars on DVD.  Now it's 10:31PM, and I'm writing this.

I do like my life though, even if it is pretty boring.

Or maybe I'm just kidding myself.

I cannot wait to see Ben Miller with a gun next Saturday. XD He's a comic genius. I'm gutted I keep missing Moving Wallpaper...


There's a show in the UK, called Primeval. I look forward to watching it every Saturday, and I fucking love it. I won't go into what it's about - go onto the official site, if  you're interested.

Anyway, I found a few fansites on LJ. I looked at some reviews of the show, and most  ALL of them were critisizing the CGI, acting etc. I mean, why the fuck are you a fan if you think it's crap?? I think it's just a bit of fun, mostly aimed at kids, however adults can enjoy it to. Look at Doctor Who, I personally think it's shit, and the CGI and storylines are terrible. But people rave hell about it! 

I'm just confused as to why these people on fansites watch Primeval.

I love Connor.♥

Life's good. I've applied for a job at a place called ART. I'm really, really hoping I'll get it. I've also been inquiring about doing my GCSE's (Standard Grades, in Scotland) at home - just to give me more of a chance of getting a proper job. I haven't felt suicidal for a while now either. So that's progress. :) 

Anyway, that's enough. 

Lol, nobody even reads my posts.